celebpone

Lady GAGA: A very bad joke played on all of us.

back but still not black

Have no fear side pone fans!

Lay your weary head to rest, don't you cry no more. All three of you will be pleased to know I will be continuing the search for side pones worldwide (although due to financial limitations, I will probably be restricted to the greater New York area). I would apologize but I was busy having the most fabulous 2010- I only got fired once, ordered dominos 214 times, opened a savings account with a beginning and current balance of $15.74 and I got a free flat screen TV from one of my best friends who had a nervous breakdown and moved back home. So just because your 2010 wasnt as good as mine it doesnt mean 2011 can't be. Just remember if you reach for the stars you might just touch the moon.

tjmaxxine

This classic example of a side pone was spotted at a TJ MAXX in Miami, Florida on December 27, 2010. While perusing the isles for some designer and brand name fashion for women, men, teens, kids and baby for up to 60% off department store prices, I grew bored. What I really wanted was a cup of hot chocolate and a couple of fat chicks to keep me warm; it was a unusually cold December by Miami standards. Then, just as I was about to exit housewares and make my way over to juniors clearance I spotted her. Like the angel that came and snatched up the soul of late great actor Cory Haim www.coreyhaim.us there she was, Maxine. Maxine declined to give me an interview so I stalked her ass like a Nighthawk stealth fighter pilot under the sweet, sweet fluorescents of the bargain basement den. I snapped this shot of her standing by David Hasselhoff in the layaway section. Later that evening I wrote this song for her http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zVVjjRwDDJU

holidayinn

NAME: jessica heather faren

AGE: 24

SEX: female

LOCATION: miami, florida

OCCUPATION: wedding/bar-bat mitzvah photographer

1. Any big plans for your 25th birthday?

Jessica: If by big plans you mean riding a camel in Israel, then yes.

RTP: So, we obviously have a Jew on our hands here. Is this your first trip to the holy land?

Jessica: Yea, but way to jump to conclusions. You don't know for sure that I am a Jew.

RTP: I do. I know you.

Jessica: Yea, but I don't really practice the religion.

RTP: Denial is a serious illness. You're going to ride a camel in Israel on your 25th birthday. I'd say you're a pretty big Jew and I've met your father he's like king of the Jews.

Jessica: That would make him Jesus.

RTP: If you wanna get technical than yeah it could.

2. Do you ever just want to pack your bags and hole up in a Holiday Inn for a few weeks with nothing but some 80's porn, espresso and a pack of cigarettes?

Jessica: I'm going to be honest with you, I've never really seen a porn and coffee gives me the shits.

RTP: That's unfortunate. There's a whole new world out there waiting for you and I'd like to take you there. Well, not personally but you get it.

Jessica: What's wrong? You're not into Jews?

RTP: I'm not into the idea of being locked in a Holiday Inn with you. That's my "me time" and I'd like to keep it that way.

Jessica: You can't be serious.

RTP: What do you think I'm doing when I don't answer your calls for weeks at a time?

Jessica: I don't know. I usually just assume you got a boyfriend.

RTP: Nah. I'm usually just taking shots in a dark corner somewhere.

Jessica: I really don't doubt that.

RTP: You shouldn't.

3. What's your ideal guy like?

Jessica: Starving artist look, unshaven. Guy Pierce in Proposition look.

RTP: Hold on, I need more paper. Okay, I don't know who that is but basically you want someone who drastically limits their showering.

Jessica: I don't know. I guess. I'm talking about like in westerns. So, I guess basically because I don't think they have showers in the desert. I don't wear deodorant or perfume so I have problem with men that smell better than me. You look like you'd agree with me by your ripped and stained t-shirt. I will assume we have the same standard.

RTP: Look, I've had a rough day. I have a plane to catch in a few hours. Get off my back.

Jessica: Yeah, real rough. I picked you up we went to lunch and I'm driving you home.

4. How do you think you would react if someone tried to rape you?

Jessica: Funny you should ask. I keep having this reoccurring dream where I try to deceive my attacker by acting like I am aroused by his actions. However, in all actuality I'd probably end up screaming "RAPE!!!!" and get stabbed.

RTP: Yes. You should always scream "FIRE!!!". Fire is enchanting and people are drawn to it and will run and save you. Rape scares people and they will run.

celebpone

Jennifer Lynn Lopez affectionally know to fans, friends and Marc Anthony as J.Lo blessed this world with her natural beauty, grace and class on July 24, 1969 in South Bronx, New York. According to People en Espanol she is the most influential Hispanic entertainer, my condolences to a certain Ricky Martin who I will forever be livin la vida loca with (video). Part owner of the Miami Dolphins football team, J.Lo has achieved unsurpassable fame and fortune through unique and groundbreaking studio albums such as On the 6, J to tha L-O!: The Remixes and This Is Me.... Then. While Lopez has moved mountains musically can someone please explain to me why this precious jewel of society has not won an Academy Award for her performance in such movie masterpieces as Maid in Manhattan, The Wedding Planner, Angel Eyes and my personal favorite Selena, based on the tragically short life of Mexican American singer Selena. Married twice, a tormulteous relationship with hip hop mogul Sean "Puffy" Combs she then found herself in the arms of Boston born actor Ben Affleck. Affleck who appeared in her music video for Jenny from the Block, (video) may arguably be the best music video of all time. Now married to Marc Anthony with whom she has two children I anxiously await her next move which will undoubtedly blow bodies, souls and minds to another unheard of dimension. Thank you Jennifer

stars&bars

NAME: christopher roy

AGE: 27

SEX: male

LOCATION: philadelphia, pennsylvania

OCCUPATION: urban outfitters receiver

1. Soccer or football?

Chris: Soccer. There's more talent involved. Is that what you want me to say bitch?

RTP: Did you just call me a bitch?!

Chris: Yes. Does that answer your question?

RTP: I guess it does. I guess it does.

2. Your mom or my mom?

Chris: My mom. She parties harder. Where's this interview going by the way?

RTP: My shitty blog. I have a blog. We've been over this.

Chris: What's it called? Turdofthescentury.blogspot.com?

RTP: Real fuckin mature.

Chris: Fuck you. Ask me whatever you want.

RTP: I'm going to you fucking dick.

Chris: Alright. Let's go.

3. Crop tops or tube socks?

Chris: What's that?

RTP: A belly tee.

Chris: (looks confused)

RTP: A short t-shirt!!

Chris: Ohh. Tube socks mutha fucka! What am I a Sally?

RTP: What's that?

Chris: It's a woman, which I am not!

RTP: Haha okay. Fair enough.

4. Gatorade or Powerade?

Chris: Powerade. Because Powerade has a white Powerade flavor.

RTP: So you're racist?

Chris: No, I just like saying white Powerade like, I like saying white american cheese at Subway. Is that weird?

RTP: Nah guess not. Do you have any black friends?

Chris: One, his name is Todd and he's whiter than me.

RTP: Once, I lied and told a former employer I had a miscarriage and named the dead fetus Todd. Do you think there's a connection?

Chris: No. Once, a former employer asked me if I was a candy bar what kind of candy bar would I be and I said a Payday. Dudes named Todd die everyday man.

RTP: Hahahaha. I can't handle you!!!

Chris: Haha. I don't know what you're sayin man.

5. TJMaxx or Marshalls?

Chris: Neither dude. That shit blows. Fuck that.

RTP: But the deals!!!

Chris: Fuck the deals! I buy shit thats gonna last. Not because it's cheap!

moeshapone<3

NAME: paige
AGE: 25
SEX: female
LOCATION: financial district, nyc
OCCUPATION: pre med student at cuny

1. Did you know you look like the singer Brandy?

Paige: Do you know you look like Amy Winehouse?
Me: That is ridiculous and completely inaccurate. You are insane.

Paige: Right on all counts and you smell like beef and cheese.

Me: Haha what? That's the scent of a real woman. It's called America by Slim Jim. The seven eleven on 23rd street carries it. 

Paige: I'm more a fan of bum piss by mediocrity. It keeps expectations low. 

Me: I think you and I in a room together with a bottle of Tanqueray  would blow peoples minds and break their hearts.

Paige: Agreed.

2. Making out with your ex-boyfriends dad. Is it in or is it out?

Paige: IN! And in it to win it.

Me: I agree. I like to live my life on the philosophy that there are no rules to the game of life. Sometimes you trip. Sometimes you fall. And sometimes those who trip and fall turn that into a beautiful, beautiful dance.

Paige: How many shrooms did you eat?

Me: NONE! You would know because on that shit, I would be topless right now.

Paige: Pass it over. I run my life on a clothing optional style.

3. Chris Brown: Date, Rape or Escape?

Paige: Escape from Ike Turner. I am not rolling down his river. I'll tell you that.

Me: But with moves like that? It would be like swimming in a ocean full of dolphins wearing diamond collars.

Paige: Blood diamonds.

Me: Exactly. Blood diamonds.

4. David Hasselhoff once said, "There are millions of dying children out there who's last wish is to meet me." Agree or disagree?

Paige: It appears that Germans and children with cancer have something in common after all. 

Me: Yup. They're all on God's shit list.