bnamanmtg

NAME: mike francis artus

AGE: 36

SEX: male

LOCATION: lower east side, manhattan

OCCUPATION: finance consultant

1. What's your favorite name for the vagina?

Mike: I think it's just "vagina". I love that word. Is there a better word in the english language?

Me: Yes. Pussy.

2. What's the grossest thing you've ever seen?

Mike: I'm catholic and I can't answer that question.

Me: What? Seriously?

Mike: Yeah, I'm a catholic. I can't answer that. 

Me: Okay. I guess.

3. Who is your favorite cousin?

Mike: Obviously Paul, let's be honest.

Me: Who's Paul?

Mike: You know Pauly.

Me: No. I don't know who that is.

Mike: Sorry for you.

Me: Clearly.

4. What's you sign?

Mike: Gemini.

Me: I knew it. It figures.

Mike: Why?

Me: Gemini's suck.

Mike: Excuse me?

Me: Don't worry about it's not your fault. There's nothing you can do about it now. You might want to give your parents a call though and thank them. 

Mike: Thank them for what?

Me: Nothing. Never mind. 

5. When was the last time you cupped and sniffed?

Mike: I have never.

Me: You're lying!

Mike: I'm not lying to you. I have not. I'm a good guy. 

Me: Are you gonna go home and do it?

Mike: No, I have better things to do.

Me: Like what?

Mike: Go home and jerk off.

Me: Fair enough.  

thebeautydiva

NAME: april

AGE: 47 

SEX: female

LOCATION: parkchester, queens

OCCUPATION: makeup artist/hairstylist 

1. You're a hairstylist. How do you feel about the idea of the "clip-on" side pone?

April: Oh yeah! Definitely. Why not?

2. Do you think the side pone is making a permanent comeback?

April: Yes.

Me: Do you care to elaborate on that?

April: Well, Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen have kept the side pone en vogue. It's a nice sexy, sloppy style. It looks good with a t-shirt and jeans.

3. You ordered sliders (mini-burgers) for dinner. How were they?

April: Delicious. That and the nachos are the only thing I come here for.

Me: Not the predominately white male business cas? Weird.

4. I served you. Be honest. How shitty was my service?

April: Awe! It wasn't shitty at all. I know you're busy, it's okay. (side note:  clearly I am not busy if I'm interviewing April) I've had shittier. 

meatwadny

NAME: rick heinsman

AGE: 40

SEX: male

LOCATION: auburndale, queens

OCCUPATION: layin low

1. What are your thoughts on rap music?  

Rick: On rap or hip-hop? They're two very different things.

Me: Rap

Rick: I like the early stuff, I love RUNDMC, Beastie Boys, even Slick Ricks got some stuff. I can't stand gangsta rap. It's the scourge of society. I sound like an old man but it's the truth. Bill Cosby hit the nail on the head.

2. How do you feel about girls with boy names, like Ryan?

Rick: I have a cousin named Ryan. I think it's beautiful a lot of times it's done out of respect for a deceased loved one. Even if it's not I still think it's kinda hot. 

3. What exactly deters you from giving money to a bum?

Rick: There's too many of them. I'd be broke. I'm a bum myself at least I made my fortune when I was younger.

Me: Fortune? Doing what exactly?

Rick: Long story short, I made some money in the dot com era.

4. Fake boobs Yes/or/No

Rick: No

5. Do you have any body art?

Rick: Just some scars from surgery.

Me: What kind of surgery?

Rick: I had two steel plates and a steel rod installed in my left forearm.

Me: Whoa? What happened?

Rick: I'd love to say a motorcycle crash but it was a sleigh riding accident when I was younger.