moeshapone<3

NAME: paige
AGE: 25
SEX: female
LOCATION: financial district, nyc
OCCUPATION: pre med student at cuny

1. Did you know you look like the singer Brandy?

Paige: Do you know you look like Amy Winehouse?
Me: That is ridiculous and completely inaccurate. You are insane.

Paige: Right on all counts and you smell like beef and cheese.

Me: Haha what? That's the scent of a real woman. It's called America by Slim Jim. The seven eleven on 23rd street carries it. 

Paige: I'm more a fan of bum piss by mediocrity. It keeps expectations low. 

Me: I think you and I in a room together with a bottle of Tanqueray  would blow peoples minds and break their hearts.

Paige: Agreed.

2. Making out with your ex-boyfriends dad. Is it in or is it out?

Paige: IN! And in it to win it.

Me: I agree. I like to live my life on the philosophy that there are no rules to the game of life. Sometimes you trip. Sometimes you fall. And sometimes those who trip and fall turn that into a beautiful, beautiful dance.

Paige: How many shrooms did you eat?

Me: NONE! You would know because on that shit, I would be topless right now.

Paige: Pass it over. I run my life on a clothing optional style.

3. Chris Brown: Date, Rape or Escape?

Paige: Escape from Ike Turner. I am not rolling down his river. I'll tell you that.

Me: But with moves like that? It would be like swimming in a ocean full of dolphins wearing diamond collars.

Paige: Blood diamonds.

Me: Exactly. Blood diamonds.

4. David Hasselhoff once said, "There are millions of dying children out there who's last wish is to meet me." Agree or disagree?

Paige: It appears that Germans and children with cancer have something in common after all. 

Me: Yup. They're all on God's shit list.

G&T splashAboring

NAME: casey

AGE: 26

SEX: female

LOCATION: midtown west, manhattan

OCCUPATION: actress

1. How would you react if you found out your father was a serial killer?

Casey: I have no idea.

Me: Well, how would you feel?

Casey: No idea.

Me: A wee bit apathetic are we?

Casey: No

Me: It's probably just nerves. Being interviewed for such a distinguished high class publication can be daunting to say the least. Okay, I'll go first. If I found out my dad was a serial killer this is what I would do.... I would first tell my mom because she might cry a little but then she would laugh and then say something about how she knew it all along and then she would get all Magnum PI and question if my dad's best friend really did kill himself in 2000 or if it was foul play and I think she would get a lot of joy out of everything. Then I would steal as much money from him as possible because he won't need that heavy coin in jail. I have a history with identity theft so that's gonna take two weeks top, I'm pro like that. Then I'd go out and buy a taser gun for the intervention. I'd probably take him to play tennis or go dancing, something we've never done before; just to throw him off a little bit and then I'd tell him I know he has blood on his hands and I'm very upset about it and I just stole all his money. GAME OVER RAY!!! I would just keep scream crying GAME OVER RAY!!! GAME OVER RAY!!! shoot him with the taser and call 911. So what about you?

Casey: I just have no idea.

Me: Okay. Well you could have improvised. It's called act-ting, you know that thing you do.

2. True or false: all black people celebrate Kwanzaa?

Casey: I'm going to go with false.

Me: WRONG!! It's true. They all do.

Casey: Really? You mean it's their born religion? Because I don't think most of them celebrate Kwanzaa. I know black people who celebrate Christmas.

Me: I'm sure those black people you know celebrate both. They just celebrate Kwanzaa in private ya know? It's not as a flamboyant holiday as Christmas. Christmas has a lot of smoke and mirrors. Christmas has Jesus and Santa Clause and Christmas trees and egg nog and drunk creepy unlces. Kwanzaa keeps it simple.

Casey: Yeah, I guess you're right. That makes sense.

Me: I know.

3. My roommate had some ovarian cysts removed today. Have you ever had a procedure of that nature?

Casey: Oh I'm sorry. That's a personal question though. I can't believe you would ask someone that haha. I hope she's okay though.

Me: Yeah, she's fine. She's a real liger. That's what they call a lion and tiger mix. I didn't mean to offend you. I thought we were just having some girl talk.

Casey: Yeah, I know. It's okay.

Me: Great! Let's move on to a different topic of discussion.

4. How badass would it have been to be a playboy playmate in the seventies. Hangin around the mansion in some roller-skates, thigh highs, hot pants and dudes with mustaches, gold chains and coke mirrors and mirrors on ceilings in bedrooms that have silk sheets?

Casey: Haha. If you like that sort of thing I guess that would be cool.

Me: Do you know what it's like to wake up depressed every morning?

Casey: Haha no. Why are you depressed?

Me: There's no mirror over my bed and my boyfriend doesn't have a mustache or a gold chain.

Casey: Hey girl, at least you have a boyfriend. That's more than I can say.

Me: Actually, No. I don't have one of those either.

blondecrucifixcut-out

NAME: jules

AGE: (i was afraid to ask)

SEX: female

LOCATION: hoboken, new jersey

OCCUPATION: bartendress

1. I come from a broken home. So I have a stepmom and my dad is throwing her a surprise western themed birthday party in Miami in a few months. What do you think I should wear?

Jules: A handkerchief as your bottom piece, suede ass-less chaps and saddle shoes.

Me: Saddle shoes? As in the black and white shoes from the 1950's? That doesn't sound very western and what about the top?

Jules: Oh well, I didn't know what they were I just knew the name. Makes sense they would be western shoes. Well, don't make me sound stupid. Don't put that part in, okay? You'll obviously have to wear a flannel. This is a hot outfit.

Me: I like where you're going with this but I think it might be slightly inappropriate for a party that starts at noon and I don't even know if it's open bar.

Jules: I'm sure it's open bar. Everyone has an open bar for big celebrations, unless they're poor. I'm sorry. I mean, you don't look poor so I just assumed you weren't poor but I guess your family could be poor so I'm sorry. That wasn't the right way to word things. 

Me: Were not poor. My dad's a recovering alcoholic and those kind shouldn't be around booze. 

Jules: Oh. I'm sorry. I don't speak to my father. Everyone has their own serious issues with one parent or another ya know?

Me: Nah, I don't know. I made that last part up. 

Jules: Haha okay, that was weird of you to joke about.

2. How do you feel about the statue of liberty?

Jules: I see her as a shining example of what everyone should bring to the world.

Me: What? Accessibility only by ferry? Friendship with the French? 

Jules: Only by ferry? Or doesn't the subway go there too?

Me: Does the pope shit in the popemobile? 

Jules: Probably.

Me: Yeah. You're probably right.

3. How do you feel about the Jews?

Jules: I'm for them but their curls and hats are strange to me.

Me: Uhh haha thats a specific type of Jew. Many more Jews walk among us and they look just like you and I, usually anyway.

Jules: Well whatever, I support them as long as they don't come into my restaurant and tip Jewishly. I think you should ask me a different question. I don't want to answer this one. 

Me: You seem prejudice and I think the world should know. Nobody looks at this stupid blog anyway.

Jules: I'm not prejudice! I've slept with like 12 black men.

Me: Gang bang? You hate jews while making love to black men. Hitler would be so confused.

4. Final question, Your shirt. It's incredible. Did you buy it like that?

Jules: Thank you! I can't sew. I definitely bought it like this.

Me: I love it. It's really awesome. I've been looking everywhere for a skintight belly shirt with a crucifix cut-out. It's like a uniform you wear for God.

Jules: Haha yeah, I guess.

stoptryin2dancewithme

NAME: sully

AGE: 54

SEX: male

LOCATION: new rochelle, new york

OCCUPATION: underwater welder/children's magician

1. So you're a children's magician. That seems a bit creepy. Can you actually do tricks or do you just suck?

Sully: Well, I've actually got a few of my better tricks in my van that's parked around the block if you'd like to follow me over there I would love to surprise you.

Me: Uhh, I think I'm gonna pass but thanks for the offer, it was very ummm generous of you? Rain check maybe?

Sully: Oh yes, absolutely. Hey, listen would you mind if I ask you a question?

Me: Yeah that's not a good idea. I'm gonna say no questions.

Sully: Well uh okay, I just believe you are a very attractive woman. I can tell you're very seasoned even though you appear quite young. I was simply curious as to whether or not you had a significant other and if not, would you like one? Do you even enjoy men? Ahahaha

Me: Whoa whoa, you're crossing the line buddy but I like it. Let's get through these questions and I'll let you buy me a Jameson with a Bud back.

Sully: Okay, Okay let's go! Shoot!

2. What are your feelings on edible arrangements? You know the baskets of fruit that are designed to look like bouquets of flowers.

Sully: That's quite the question there you little minx. Is this a hint? Would you like me to buy you an edible arrangement? Ahahaha I don't know if you should write that down. I'm not too familiar with them. I have only seen three maybe four, it's alright in my book though. It's beautiful, practical, tastes delicious, probably just like you. 

Me: Oh dear sir. You have officially crossed that line and I must terminate this interview. But you know, if you weren't you, you could easily play a creepy underwater welder who preforms magic and sexually offends people while listening to Jimmy Buffet in the back of his van in a Lifetime movie.

deafpone

NAME: sarah & gregg (sarah is part of the deaf community. gregg is her boyfriend who provided the translation for this interview)

AGE: 27

SEX: female

LOCATION: upper west side, nyc

OCCUPATION: designer

1. I see you're staring at my chin. I just want you to know those are not in fact chin hairs but stitches I received Sunday night. If you had to guess what do you think happened?

Sarah: I think you blew Superman. Talk about balls of steel. 

Me: Is that your personal translation of what Sarah just said Greg? I don't think it's funny to take advantage of the hearing impaired.

Gregg: Neither do I. If I did she wouldn't be my girlfriend.

Me: I don't know you. I don't know what your motives are.

2. Do you think you're going to have dreams about holding and caressing these raven locks of mine for nights to come after this meeting?

Sarah: Often. I'm a huge fan of Poe. Is it weird if I sorta want to drug you, drag you into a hallway and encase you with brickwork?

Me: Do you think I can have your social security number just incase I disappear anytime soon or I need to open a credit card?

Sarah: No.

3. Let's say hypothetically speaking it's 9am, we're at a rave shooting up ecstasy like a mother fucker, my glow stick breaks and I accidently ingest the contents. What would you do?

Sarah: First I would pee.

Me: Obviously, in with the good out with the bad.

Sarah: Secondly, I would call a rape crisis center. It makes no sense but I feel I would be the victim. Third, what the fuck grab a beer and have an abortion, duh.

Me: I think things are getting lost in translation but I'm going with it because I don't know what else to do.

Gregg: They could be. I'm not exactly fluent in sign language.

Me: Does she know?

Gregg: I don't know. I can't tell.

4. What is your interpretation of the saying "it takes a village to raise a child"?

Sarah: Well, it takes a bunch of naked africans to raise a village. It takes a bunch of money hungry caucasians to raise a city. Hey, welcome to new york. 

Me: You should maybe never have children.

Gregg: I'm not translating that. She's going to be pissed. 

Me: She's going to be even more pissed when she realizes you only understand 1/3 of what she says to you.

5. Is it fair to say everyone in the WMBA is a raging lesbian?

Sarah: Is it fair to say that every guy who sucks dick is a fag?

Gregg: This is over.

Me: You're a bad person.

Gregg: Okay.

fit4eva

NAME: matilda henderson

AGE: 19

SEX: female

LOCATION: newark, new jersey

OCCUPATION: fit student

1. So tell me about these beads. Did you show some tits tonight to get them?

Matilda: Hehe that was funny. Are all the questions like this?

Me: I don't know, they vary on my mood.

Matilda: Oh thats scary how's your mood tonight?

Me: Well, I'm in midtown at 1am on a Thursday night and I've been sober for days, how do you think my mood is?

Matilda: Hehe you're funny.

Me: Really?

Matilda: Hehe yeaaa.

2. What's your favorite type of red wine?

Matilda: Umm, merlot.

Me: What year?

Matilda: I've only really ever had the expensive ones that like my parents buy. I think the last one was a vintage from like 1898.

Me: Haha okay. Yeah I'd love to open that bottle of wine my parents got from T. Jeff right now.

Matilda: Oh yea, I think my parents have that one too. It's really good.

Me: Yeah, good ole Thomas Jefferson he knew his merlots.

3. Are those glasses vintage?

Matilda: Yeah, they are pretty rare and really expensive.

Me: Really? How much were they? Do tell.

Matilda: $64 or $56, something like that.

Me: Could be worse. But please America wants to know where you picked up such rare gems

Matilda: American Apparel

Me: Ohhh how rare. Never been but my roommate's ex-boyfriend used to buy his underwear there and she used to rave about all the different colors they came in. That's all I knew about him actually.

4. Are you a virgin?

Matilda: Hehe I can't answer that.

Me: Why?

Matilda: What if my parents see this.

Me: Believe me your parents aren't going to see this.

Matilda: Promise?

Me: I promise.

Matilda: No. Hehehe wait yes! Haha no! Hahaahahaha I don't know.

Me: Jesus. Thats so fucked up.

5. What do you want to be when you grow up?

Matilda: Umm, My first wish is to be a designer but like a major fashion house designer. Like vera wang or like Christian Dior.

Me: They have very different styles. Which would you lean toward given the opportunity?

Matilda: Umm, well I would just design things that appealed to everyone but that everyone loved. Like I'm really good at putting stuff together and I think once I start making my own designs the world will go crazy.

Me: Maybe you should be a stylist.

Matilda: Fashion stylists don't go to FIT, they go to hair school and flunk out. 

Me: Wow. Okay. This was fun don't uh fall on the NJ transit train tracks or anything.

Matilda: Haha youre...

Me: I know, I'm funny.

kissnu2L8

NAME: raul o. simpson

AGE: 26

SEX: male

LOCATION: williamsburg, brooklyn

OCCUPATION: banker

1. What is the craziest thing you have ever done in a chair?

Raul: We'll do this later.

Me: No, we'll do this now.

Raul: We'll do this another time. No, don't write this down, this is gonna be terrible.

2. How do you feel about anal beads?

Raul: What color?

Me: Red, white and blue.

Raul: I'm color blind, but I love america.

Me: Solid answer. I forget you're a gemini sometimes, that's how good you are. 

3. Which music video best describes you and why?

Raul: I'm trying to order a drink (middle finger)

Me: You're not even....

Raul: Blame it on the tetons by Modest Mouse okay?!

Me: You're just saying that because we reminisced about the song earlier.

Raul: Yeah, I am okay?

Me: Okay.

4. I see there is a tiny kitty cat hair in your dread. Care to explain?

Raul: She's the most perfect lady. Get over it.

Me: You're being a dickhead.

Raul: I love you. Don't worry.

Me: I'm not worried. What could come between this pisces-gemini connection?

Raul: Nothing. Well, a capricorn maybe.

5. Okay, I know you're so mad I'm making you do this interview. Last one, describe me in three words.

Raul: Tall, drunk, blackout 

Me: Lies.

Raul: Where's a condom?

Me: I love you.