stoptryin2dancewithme

NAME: sully

AGE: 54

SEX: male

LOCATION: new rochelle, new york

OCCUPATION: underwater welder/children's magician

1. So you're a children's magician. That seems a bit creepy. Can you actually do tricks or do you just suck?

Sully: Well, I've actually got a few of my better tricks in my van that's parked around the block if you'd like to follow me over there I would love to surprise you.

Me: Uhh, I think I'm gonna pass but thanks for the offer, it was very ummm generous of you? Rain check maybe?

Sully: Oh yes, absolutely. Hey, listen would you mind if I ask you a question?

Me: Yeah that's not a good idea. I'm gonna say no questions.

Sully: Well uh okay, I just believe you are a very attractive woman. I can tell you're very seasoned even though you appear quite young. I was simply curious as to whether or not you had a significant other and if not, would you like one? Do you even enjoy men? Ahahaha

Me: Whoa whoa, you're crossing the line buddy but I like it. Let's get through these questions and I'll let you buy me a Jameson with a Bud back.

Sully: Okay, Okay let's go! Shoot!

2. What are your feelings on edible arrangements? You know the baskets of fruit that are designed to look like bouquets of flowers.

Sully: That's quite the question there you little minx. Is this a hint? Would you like me to buy you an edible arrangement? Ahahaha I don't know if you should write that down. I'm not too familiar with them. I have only seen three maybe four, it's alright in my book though. It's beautiful, practical, tastes delicious, probably just like you. 

Me: Oh dear sir. You have officially crossed that line and I must terminate this interview. But you know, if you weren't you, you could easily play a creepy underwater welder who preforms magic and sexually offends people while listening to Jimmy Buffet in the back of his van in a Lifetime movie.

deafpone

NAME: sarah & gregg (sarah is part of the deaf community. gregg is her boyfriend who provided the translation for this interview)

AGE: 27

SEX: female

LOCATION: upper west side, nyc

OCCUPATION: designer

1. I see you're staring at my chin. I just want you to know those are not in fact chin hairs but stitches I received Sunday night. If you had to guess what do you think happened?

Sarah: I think you blew Superman. Talk about balls of steel. 

Me: Is that your personal translation of what Sarah just said Greg? I don't think it's funny to take advantage of the hearing impaired.

Gregg: Neither do I. If I did she wouldn't be my girlfriend.

Me: I don't know you. I don't know what your motives are.

2. Do you think you're going to have dreams about holding and caressing these raven locks of mine for nights to come after this meeting?

Sarah: Often. I'm a huge fan of Poe. Is it weird if I sorta want to drug you, drag you into a hallway and encase you with brickwork?

Me: Do you think I can have your social security number just incase I disappear anytime soon or I need to open a credit card?

Sarah: No.

3. Let's say hypothetically speaking it's 9am, we're at a rave shooting up ecstasy like a mother fucker, my glow stick breaks and I accidently ingest the contents. What would you do?

Sarah: First I would pee.

Me: Obviously, in with the good out with the bad.

Sarah: Secondly, I would call a rape crisis center. It makes no sense but I feel I would be the victim. Third, what the fuck grab a beer and have an abortion, duh.

Me: I think things are getting lost in translation but I'm going with it because I don't know what else to do.

Gregg: They could be. I'm not exactly fluent in sign language.

Me: Does she know?

Gregg: I don't know. I can't tell.

4. What is your interpretation of the saying "it takes a village to raise a child"?

Sarah: Well, it takes a bunch of naked africans to raise a village. It takes a bunch of money hungry caucasians to raise a city. Hey, welcome to new york. 

Me: You should maybe never have children.

Gregg: I'm not translating that. She's going to be pissed. 

Me: She's going to be even more pissed when she realizes you only understand 1/3 of what she says to you.

5. Is it fair to say everyone in the WMBA is a raging lesbian?

Sarah: Is it fair to say that every guy who sucks dick is a fag?

Gregg: This is over.

Me: You're a bad person.

Gregg: Okay.

fit4eva

NAME: matilda henderson

AGE: 19

SEX: female

LOCATION: newark, new jersey

OCCUPATION: fit student

1. So tell me about these beads. Did you show some tits tonight to get them?

Matilda: Hehe that was funny. Are all the questions like this?

Me: I don't know, they vary on my mood.

Matilda: Oh thats scary how's your mood tonight?

Me: Well, I'm in midtown at 1am on a Thursday night and I've been sober for days, how do you think my mood is?

Matilda: Hehe you're funny.

Me: Really?

Matilda: Hehe yeaaa.

2. What's your favorite type of red wine?

Matilda: Umm, merlot.

Me: What year?

Matilda: I've only really ever had the expensive ones that like my parents buy. I think the last one was a vintage from like 1898.

Me: Haha okay. Yeah I'd love to open that bottle of wine my parents got from T. Jeff right now.

Matilda: Oh yea, I think my parents have that one too. It's really good.

Me: Yeah, good ole Thomas Jefferson he knew his merlots.

3. Are those glasses vintage?

Matilda: Yeah, they are pretty rare and really expensive.

Me: Really? How much were they? Do tell.

Matilda: $64 or $56, something like that.

Me: Could be worse. But please America wants to know where you picked up such rare gems

Matilda: American Apparel

Me: Ohhh how rare. Never been but my roommate's ex-boyfriend used to buy his underwear there and she used to rave about all the different colors they came in. That's all I knew about him actually.

4. Are you a virgin?

Matilda: Hehe I can't answer that.

Me: Why?

Matilda: What if my parents see this.

Me: Believe me your parents aren't going to see this.

Matilda: Promise?

Me: I promise.

Matilda: No. Hehehe wait yes! Haha no! Hahaahahaha I don't know.

Me: Jesus. Thats so fucked up.

5. What do you want to be when you grow up?

Matilda: Umm, My first wish is to be a designer but like a major fashion house designer. Like vera wang or like Christian Dior.

Me: They have very different styles. Which would you lean toward given the opportunity?

Matilda: Umm, well I would just design things that appealed to everyone but that everyone loved. Like I'm really good at putting stuff together and I think once I start making my own designs the world will go crazy.

Me: Maybe you should be a stylist.

Matilda: Fashion stylists don't go to FIT, they go to hair school and flunk out. 

Me: Wow. Okay. This was fun don't uh fall on the NJ transit train tracks or anything.

Matilda: Haha youre...

Me: I know, I'm funny.

kissnu2L8

NAME: raul o. simpson

AGE: 26

SEX: male

LOCATION: williamsburg, brooklyn

OCCUPATION: banker

1. What is the craziest thing you have ever done in a chair?

Raul: We'll do this later.

Me: No, we'll do this now.

Raul: We'll do this another time. No, don't write this down, this is gonna be terrible.

2. How do you feel about anal beads?

Raul: What color?

Me: Red, white and blue.

Raul: I'm color blind, but I love america.

Me: Solid answer. I forget you're a gemini sometimes, that's how good you are. 

3. Which music video best describes you and why?

Raul: I'm trying to order a drink (middle finger)

Me: You're not even....

Raul: Blame it on the tetons by Modest Mouse okay?!

Me: You're just saying that because we reminisced about the song earlier.

Raul: Yeah, I am okay?

Me: Okay.

4. I see there is a tiny kitty cat hair in your dread. Care to explain?

Raul: She's the most perfect lady. Get over it.

Me: You're being a dickhead.

Raul: I love you. Don't worry.

Me: I'm not worried. What could come between this pisces-gemini connection?

Raul: Nothing. Well, a capricorn maybe.

5. Okay, I know you're so mad I'm making you do this interview. Last one, describe me in three words.

Raul: Tall, drunk, blackout 

Me: Lies.

Raul: Where's a condom?

Me: I love you.

rebeccaredpone

NAME: rebecca romijn redpone 

AGE: 24

SEX: female

LOCATION: miami, florida

OCCUPATION: lawyer

1. What goes through your head when you see a morbidly obese person hittin' up the buffet at the Sizzler?

Rebecca: I don't go to Sizzler.

Me: Okay, Golden Corral

Rebecca: I don't know what that is.

Me: Ruby Tuesday?

Rebecca: Never been to one of those.

Me: Okay, the midnight buffet on a cruise to the Bahamas?

Rebecca: I hope he doesn't put on a bathing suit later.

Me: TCBY?

Rebecca: Thank God they're eating yogurt.

2. If you were at a very classy 5 star restaurant and a severely handicapped person in a wheelchair with mucus coming out of their feeding tube and you can tell they're probably poopin in their depends was sat at the table next to you, would you ask to be moved?

Rebecca: No, but not because I like it.

Me: So, just because you want to be socially appropriate?

Rebecca: No, because I never move tables.

Me: Why?

Rebecca: I don't know. It just won't happen, I know that. 

3. If you were in the lead in a tandem bike race and your partner fell off what would you do?

Rebecca: Leave that shit behind.

Me: What if it was your mom?

Rebecca: I would look back, stop, think about it for a second and hope she would wave me on to victory. 

Me: Beautiful.

4. When was the last time it burned while you peed?

Rebecca: This morning. No, that's not true. Never, actually.

Me: You've never had a UTI?

Rebecca: Never.

Me: You're lying. Everyone has had a UTI.

Rebecca: No, not everyone. Sorry.

5. What do you think your spirit animal is?

Rebecca: What the fuck is a spirit animal? Is it like a bull? Like my astrology bull sign thing? Oh wait! Is that the thing Oprah talks about?

Me: I'm sure she has. I think it's when, well I don't really know...

Rebecca: Just google it .

Me: Okay, hold on, let me check this on my phone real quick. Okay, according to wikipedia a spirit animal is the third full length album from the space rock duo Zombi. So, um I guess were done here. 

aliecat

NAME: allison nicole

AGE: 24

SEX: female

LOCATION: upper west side, nyc

OCCUPATION: cast member in a off-broadway theatre production

1. Have you ever thrown up in a car?

Allison: I've thrown up out of a car window. That was unsuccessful. 

Me: In what way? Backsplash?

Allison: Backsplash. Wind is a bitch. You gotta make sure you puke behind you.

Me: What color was it?

Allison: I couldn't see. We were driving too fast, thats how I roll, what a gross question. Who wants to know what color it is, I imagine it was the color of vodka. 

Me: So, clear?

Allison: All clear.

Me: Honestly, that doesn't sound so gross.

Allison: Neither does a cum shot to the face, but it is. 

Me: Again, maybe not that gross.

Allison: I prefer proactive.

Me: On your face?

Allison: Yes.

2. When you hear  the word "powerhouse", what comes to mind?

Allison: Bench pressers thighs. He-man thighs.

Me: That's what comes to your mind when I say powerhouse?!

Allison: Yea, is that weird?

Me: I guess not.

Allison: Next question, please.

3. I ate an entire cheese plate with crackers, two different kinds of hummus and turtle soup ice cream last night and I'm feeling slightly depressed about this. Do you have any advice?

Allison: Master cleanse until all that cheese runs out of you like a fondue. I'm sorry that's so gross.

Me: Haha I've done the master cleanse before.

Allison: Me too, I barfed. Are you gonna ask me what color it was?

Me: Sure.

Allison: It was the color of cayenne pepper and it burned.

Me: Did it come out of your nose?

Allison: Yeah, it cleared my sinuses better than wasabi or Mucinex. I recommend  barfing cayenne pepper if you feel stuffy.

Me: Noted. 

4. When I was 8 my dad told me to never get a tongue ring, that they're disgusting and while maybe trendy they symbolize sexual promiscuity. What are your thoughts on this statement?

Allison: I don't agree with that. I think it symbolizes douchebagness but my sister got a tongue ring when she was 17 and my mom cried for weeks periodically saying while sobbing, "how are you going to get into college?". I was 12, it made quite an impression on me. Now, when I see girls with tongue rings I think they didn't go to college. 

Me: So, would you ever get a tongue ring?

Allison: No.

Me: But would you ever date someone with a tongue ring?

Allison: Hell yea, that shits awesome.

5. Coffee, blow, or diet coke?

Allison: Adderall and a diet coke. That shit gives me major dry mouth. 

Me: I like your moves.

idontknowthisishard

NAME: nicole

AGE: 20

SEX: female

LOCATION: williamsburg, brooklyn

OCCUPATION: american apparel associate

1. If you found out your prenatal child had down syndrome. Would you keep it?

Nicole: I don't want people to hate me. (she literally runs away)

Me: No!! Come back. We don't judge! You have four more questions to answer!

Nicole: (returns) No. I wouldn't.

2. If a terrorist came into your home what would you do?

Nicole: That's so hard. I don't know what I would do. Can I say that? What would you guys do? I don't know. Sorry. That's like a hard one. I don't know. How did you come up with this? Do you wear a side pone?

Me: Yeah, it's been known to make a cameo or two.

3. Which month has the most passive aggressive attitude?

Nicole: May. Definitely.

Me: Why May?

Nicole: I don't know that's a hard one.

Me: What's so hard about this one?

Nicole: I don't know it's just like um, really hard. I don't know.

Me: Are you drunk?

Nicole: What? No.

Me: Stoned?

Nicole: No. These are just really good hard questions.

Me: SAT quality questions?

Nicole: Totally. You should write for the SAT's.

4. Do you think I would make it on CNN with all these really hard questions?

Nicole: I don't know. Well, yeah I think you should definitely be on CNN. I would watch it. Is that like what you want to do?

Me: No.

Nicole: What do you do?

Me: Break hearts, make it rain. 

Nicole: Haha. What?

Me: Nothing.

5. It's Americas birthday today and my favorite holiday. Do you have special plans for the rest of the day?

Nicole: I don't know. I don't really know what's going on later.

Me: Of course you don't.